


Don't Look Back In Anger

by mamalovesherbagels



Series: The Heather-Verse [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: but i'm posting it anyway lmao, i'm not sure i actually like this, it's a weird idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:47:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24561043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamalovesherbagels/pseuds/mamalovesherbagels
Summary: She always knew it's a possibility she'd get a message from the girl she knew once for all of an hour. She always knew there was a chance she would want to meet. She was just hoping by then she could magically go back and change the past.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: The Heather-Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1775299
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Don't Look Back In Anger

“She wants to meet me. She has questions.”

As soon as Maddie says it, he immediately knows who the “she” being referred to is. It’s startling for two reasons. The first being that Maddie almost never mentions her, the second being that she wants to meet Maddie. That makes her tangible, real, not just a little, tiny baby Maddie had held for all of an hour in a hospital bed when she was nineteen.

“She has a name,” Maddie whispers, biting her lip so hard Chimney is afraid she is going to draw blood, “I mean, of course she does, I just never knew it. I-I didn’t… I told them I didn’t want to know what they were naming her because it would hurt too much.”

“That’s understandable,” Chimney murmurs gently, hoping that he’s saying the right thing. But really, is there any right thing to say here?

“Her name is…” she trails off, stopping to let out a strangled cry, “her name is Heather.”

“Heather. Pretty name.”

“I-I can’t… I knew she’d get my name and info when she turned eighteen, I just hoped she’d hate me, never want t-to meet me…”

“Why would she hate you? You were a teenager, and your abusive boyfriend never used a condom and you didn’t find out you were pregnant until it was too late to have an abortion.”

It’s blunt, but he gets the feeling that she needs that. Needs to hear the truth, all the circumstances as they were and not how she probably twists them around in her head to make herself the villain.

“She r-recognized my name, when her parents gave it to her,” Maddie whimpers, digging her nails into her palm, “she googled it of course, and everything came up about me and Doug, the kidnapping… I n-never wanted her to know how evil her b-biological father was.”

Oh. Shit.

“Maddie,” is all that he can think to say, moving forward to wrap his arms around her, “oh, Maddie.”

“Now she knows. She knows w-who her mom who had to g-give her away to keep her safe w-was,” she sobs, “and she knows the m-man she shares her DNA with was a m-monster. And she w-wants to talk to me about it.”

“You don’t have to if you know that you can’t,” Chimney says steadily.

“Don’t y-you think she deserves answers!” Maddie shouts, not angry at him, but more at the world, really. The concept of fate. God, in whatever form he may or not exist in.

“Yes, and I also think her biological mother deserves some peace after a lifetime of suffering.”

“I c-cant… I just feel so bad. I w-wanted to protect her from all of this…”

“Maddie, it’s not your fault your ex-husband kidnapped you. And it’s not your fault you got preg--”

“Must h-have forgotten to take a p-pill…”

“So what? That makes you a monster? Irresponsible? No, it makes you a busy nursing student in an abusive relationship who was under enormous stress and made a human error.”

“I’m pregnant,” Maddie whimpers, gesturing to the small but growing bump of her belly, “she’s g-gonna… she’s gonna be so h-hurt.”

“I can’t promise you that she won’t be,” Chimney sighs, squeezing her, “these things are… complicated. Family is complicated, even without adoption and Doug and everything that happened to you. But… I’m sure she’s a smart girl, considering she has your DNA in you. It might take Heather a while, but I’m sure she’ll eventually understand. It wasn’t that you didn’t love her, not at all, and it’s so much… it’s so much safer for you and the baby this time around.”

“If I could g-go back in time…”

“But you can’t,” he shakes his head, “you can’t, Maddie. You did the very best thing you could in your situation. You did what you could, and now you have to let go of what you wish you could’ve done. Meet Heather or don’t, either way I support you, but that’s all you can do. Give her answers and hope that she understands them.”

“She’s pretty,” Maddie whispers a moment later, “I know that’s s-so shallow and unimportant but… she found m-me through Facebook. Her profile is p-private so I don’t know anything about her, e-except her picture… she’s beautiful.”

“Of course she is,” Chimney nods, “of course she is.”

“Buck doesn’t know. N-neither do my parents.”

“They don’t have to, not if you don’t want them to,” he says seriously, “Maddie, you have nothing to be ashamed of, but you also have a right to privacy. You know I won’t tell anyone anything without your permission.”

“I didn’t w-want… I knew they’d be s-so disappointed. And if they k-knew I was giving her u-up they’d know about Doug and what h-he was doing and I-I… was just so ashamed.”

“It’s okay,” he hums in her ear, rocking her a bit, “it’s okay. I see you, I understand.”

“I love you. You’re perfect for me. I hope Heather finds herself someone like you.”

“I love you more. I love you so much I can’t describe it,” he murmurs earnestly, “and if Heather becomes a part of our lives, I’ll love her, too. And if I can’t meet her, I’ll still love her afar. Because she came from you.”

“Never leave me,” Maddie sniffles, “I know I-I had to leave Heather but… please never leave me.”

“Never,” he nods emphatically, “never. You, me, and our baby girl are a team.”

“You really think one day she’ll understand?” Maddie whispers, “I know m-maybe not right away, but someday?”

“I do,” he says honestly, “I do because you wanted her but let another pair of parents raise her so she could be safe. That kind of sacrifice… that _is_ love, Maddie, and I for one couldn’t be prouder of you.”

“What do y-you think of Heather as a middle name?”

“Ruth Heather Buckley Han… I like it,” Chimney smiles, “it’s beautiful, and it’s a tribute to two people I love very much.”

“...Two?” Maddie asks, quirking an eyebrow up at him. 

“Heather,” he hums, rubbing her back, “and the woman who gave birth to her, even if you still sometimes feel shame about the woman you were then. You were always strong, Maddie, so strong to save Heather like that, even if you didn’t know it back then.”

“Howie,” she whispers, tears spilling over again and again, “I couldn’t be prouder for you to be Ruth’s daddy.”

“Well, that makes two people very proud of their daughter’s other parent,” he singsongs.

Well, maybe Maddie couldn’t go back and change her past. Realize she was pregnant earlier, take the pill that day, or never date Doug. 

But maybe it doesn’t mean she can’t have a happier time in the present.


End file.
